i find i tend to leave my posts in draft and a few weeks later realise i haven’t published them. well this is one post that won’t be in draft for weeks.
losing someone is inevitable. it’s going to happen to everyone at some point in their lives. i don’t think there’s anything that can truly prepare you to receive news of a deceased loved one. the first thing is shock and disbelief. it’s surreal and is even more compounded when distance, time, plane rides, oceans and continents physically separate you from your family.
i remember waking up at 12pm Saturday after doing an all nighter the previous night to numerous messages from my sister about my dad’s deteriorating condition. my dad had earlier in the week suffered a mild stroke and was in hospital recovering. he’s had a few of those this year and has always managed to pull through, unfortunately this time around that was not the case.
“Andrew….he’s gone” was the last message from my sister i read before tight pains across my chest restricted my breathing and i felt like i was suffocating. i sat up in bed and thought “this is not right!”, “he can’t be gone!” my sister’s last words “he’s gone” continued to echo in my head. it reverberated through my whole being and i knew i was in shock so repeated it out loud to myself so i could fully register what had just happened. i spent the whole day and night listening to his favourite music and thinking about him and all my family. i spent the whole weekend trying to come to terms with his departure and i guess that will continue.
everyone has been so kind and supportive. it’s wonderful how facebook can provide an avenue of support. i am deeply grateful and touched beyond words by everyone’s support. i know this grief that i’ll continue to carry with me is for me to bear. the hurt i feel, however how hard i try to push to the side and ignore, is his legacy to me and for me to honor him would mean i need to embrace and accept all these emotions that come with it. grief cannot be shared and maybe it should not be. i get by, by finding strength in kind words written and spoken to me, warm embraces, thoughtful gestures and life itself. They all remind me, all human beings suffer and hurt. and it is ok. it’s ok to put on a smile, a brave face and find your light. and it’s ok to crumble and fall into a crying heap when the armour comes off.
i remember my high-school teacher always told me, no matter what difficult situation you find yourself in, everything will be ok. it may not be ideal but it will be ok. you will be fine. and i am fine. i will always be fine. i’ve told myself this ever since i heard it at the age of 15.
my dad is no longer here in this life with us and it will be ok.
there will be no more emails or calls from him checking up on me and it will be ok.
there will be no more likes on my facebook profile from him and it will be ok.
my future partner and children will never meet him and it will be ok.
he won’t be home to greet me when i return and it will be ok.
now that my heart knows such an immense pain, it equally knows an immense love.
i will have my days of complete breakdown when i am reminded of him, but i will have many more days of absolute joy because of him.
Rest in peace to the greatest and strongest man i have ever loved in this life!